I long for it like rain begging for a landing spot without filling the cracks in broken cement. Water travels far and I can’t fucking swim, so I’ll drown quietly. I keep thinking about the sad things that happened and wonder why I feel so fucking sick. Plant everything you’ve felt in the past ten years without the change and tell me what bloomed? I soaked in every inch of longing and hoping and hung onto it for safekeeping. I take a piece of the story and reread it when I’m mourning. Think back- you’re driving in shitty cars with people who define things like girlhood. You ignore the mess because loneliness is inevitable and you made a home in your people. You stand outside and count your breathing while everyone talks loudly, falling over their words. You see the doom set in from far away- you somehow know the tornado is going to hit. You feel the heat off the ground before anyone else can. The foreshadowing events take up space in your mind and you watch it like a timelapse and brace for impact. Sure enough, years later, these things rip through your world with a vengeance. You grew but never stopped worrying or caring. Now you sit alone in the car in an empty parking lot. Girlhood is long gone and your people feel distant. You wonder why change met you with grief. You wonder how carrying can feel heavy, yet light. You forever feel like drowning but mustered up some sort of strength to kick back against the waves. You hear tornado sirens in the distance and laugh at the familiar sound that also hums like a lullaby. Sew these things shut, watch the seams give. You’ll carry it forever and ever and ever, kid. -AMT ©️