This decade broke me open at the seams and built me back together. The stitches weaved through me are made of everyone’s tears- they crystallize in the center like diamonds and hold me together. I know that makes me more fragile, but at least I’m still alive, right? This decade was the last time I heard my parent’s laughter. Everyone says I have my father’s smile- I just wish I could see it again. This decade was where my grief cracked open and bled out. This decade poisoned me with anxious fever that made me sick, but my mind fought back again and again abs again. Many things bloomed from what I planted- and that took guts. That was worth some of the sadness. That was my favorite act of grace: It was strangers who accidentally became family. It was family who stayed gracious and filled my bones with laughter and love. I showed myself love in the most peaceful ways. Watched a hero go to heaven. My heart still longs for a piece of those chapters- the ones where my knees were grass stained. Lying in my driveway counting the spaces in between stars. Laughing until my limbs ached. Roaming yards that weren’t ours. Sloppy handstands in the sun. Knees trembling as the world piled more on me- I got so fucking good at carrying it all, didn’t I? But I’m learning how to keep those chapters tucked in my back pocket without rereading it all with an aching pull to repeat what was. I’m letting some things roll off my shoulders onto a gentle landing spot. It’s the final chapter of this decade and I’ll end it how I want to. I’ll let everyone who has ever loved me hold me close. I’ll keep writing and writing and writing until I hold my hands up to the universe and thank it for everything. This is my prayer for myself. It’s how I surrender to peace. It’s how I move onward by looking inward and knowing I am meant to be in this moment. My voice echos even though it trembles. It goes beyond this world where an incomprehensible love for my spirit exists. It’s where my father now lives. It starts with healing over and over again. It starts with honoring my past, present and future. It starts with everyone who has held me up along the way. It starts with me. -AMT©️