I’m not sleeping well again. I know that Jesus wants me to talk to him but I’m having a hard time understanding why the moon looks purple in my dreams. I wish I could rest peacefully without everyone reaching out to grab my shaking hands- and I think: how can they trust that I won’t drop them? But, I never let go easily. That’s my way of surrendering. Giving in. Chewing words with broken teeth. But if it looks well then I am well and everything is going well- you believe that too, right? Please tell me the truth. I need security sometimes too, you know. I need to trust in things other than the comfort of traffic lights always turning green. My dreams coming to wake me each night. The freckles across my skin darkening in summer heat. The dark mass between the stars always grows desolate. My mothers smile when she sees me. The open road past center road always being long and winding. These are the things I am sure of. I’m positive. I know I can lean on all of it like the prayers I never say. Maybe that’s what my faith has become. I’m just not sure if anything can make the pieces in my mind rest. Fall gently still until I wake- and it’s hard because I’m not sleeping well again. -AMT